You taught me how to dance at Kaylee’s sister’s bat mitzvah. I remember your burgundy gown so well, how it shimmered in the light when you stepped forward and backward and told me to follow your lead. Your mother had let you dab on a bit of lipstick. I was impressed. I leaned over to swipe some off but you grabbed my hand and said what are you doing and I said it’s too red and you said it’s lipstick you tard.
You took me to movies my mother wouldn’t let me see. Your nanny bought us popcorn and left us alone to watch the chick flick in the theatre over with her boyfriend Leon who had a moustache. Your nanny giggled a lot around Leon. So did we. Once we snuck into their theatre and saw the busty blond on the screen stick her tongue in the leading man’s mouth. That’s what your nanny did too, to Leon. I thought maybe that’s what you did at grown-up movies.
When your nanny drove us home we went to your mother’s room to try on clothes in front of the floor-length mirror. I thought it was strange that your mum had a whole room just for clothes; a walk-in closet, you said it was called, and all mummies have one, but mine didn’t so I didn’t say anything. You took down hats from the tops of shelves and pearl necklaces from the bureau and let me spritz your mother’s perfume on my neck, and I’d come home reeking of Chanel and Mum would sniff the air and send me to the bath straightaway. Sometimes we played in your closet instead. You’d get bored most of the time and sit on your bed to play with the cat, but I loved your closet, loved it more than your mum’s because everything was my size. There were dresses, dozens of dresses it seemed, tops and jeans and skirts and belts bursting from the racks, overflowing from drawers like the popcorn spilling out of the bag your nanny used to buy for us at the movies. I’d run my hands over the fabrics, feel the gauze and the sheerness between my fingers like it was silk. Sometimes you’d look up and laugh at the look on my face. This was when you’d wave your hand like we’d seen the busty blond do, all nonchalance, and offer to lend me something, anything I liked. The vision would have been complete had you been smoking a cigarette, waving your manicured hand like you were waving away a wisp of smoke, stroking the lazy cat on your lap. A little Audrey Hepburn. My eyes would shine and I’d nod my head, not daring to speak, and together we’d lift a cardigan or a skirt off the hanger. You’d have your nanny wrap it in a bag like I’d just bought it from a fancy store, you’d hand it to me solemnly and smile your sweetest Cheshire Cat smile.
Our teachers told me I was brilliant, top of our class. I’d heard on TV about smart people and how they all went to Harvard, whatever that was. I told everyone I was going to Harvard. I told your nanny, who laughed, and Leon, who said very seriously he hoped I would. You told your parents and they invited me to dinner, where they asked me questions about what I wanted to be and you scowled at me from across the table. You wouldn’t speak to me for three days until I agreed that Harvard was for tards. You smiled when I said this and invited me to your parents’ garden party. There we sat on stools by the outdoor bar and let the greasy bartender give us all the Sprite and ice cubes we wanted. We watched the men in suits wipe their foreheads and check their watches while their wives trotted around on heels like the ones we tried on in your mother’s closet. They all wore lipstick. I had to go to the bathroom and when I came out I heard you tell Kaylee I was a tard. I cried behind the rhododendron bushes until Leon found me and drove me home. The next day I told you I’d had a stomach ache.
We got older. We started talking about boys. You and Kevin from across the street were going to get married, you said, it was very hush-hush, but I was too old to believe you. You said it like your mother, eyebrows raised and an emphasis on the ‘sh.’ We were waiting for him to ask you out. From the movies your nanny and Leon used to watch we knew kissing was involved in going on a date. I asked if you’d ever put your tongue in his mouth. After thinking it over you said only if he brushed his teeth.
One day I was over for dinner again and your nanny and Leon came in holding hands and said we’re getting married and your mother shrieked and dropped the soup ladle and hugged them both and cried. They invited us all to the wedding. You told me later in your room that your nanny was pregnant and that’s why they were getting married and I didn’t understand because they’d gotten the order wrong. You smacked me hard on the head and told me people did it this way nowadays, don’t be such a tard.
The wedding was at a hotel downtown. I was allowed a dab of lipstick. Your nanny cried as she walked down the aisle and Leon couldn’t stop smiling. You nudged me and I thought you were going to point out her rounded belly but you didn’t, you pointed to a boy next to Leon. I said who’s that and you said Leon’s brother, he’s cute and when your nanny and Leon were married and their bridal party came back down the aisle Leon’s brother winked at me. You and I danced at the reception and I used all the moves you taught me. Leon’s brother danced over and told me I had nice moves. I said thanks. We sat at the bar and drank Cokes with straws. He told me he was fourteen and showed me the moustache he was growing like Leon’s. He made a lot of bad jokes and danced with me to all the slow songs, and your nanny and Leon laughed. After the speeches he took me onto the hotel balcony and put his suit jacket around my shoulders even though I wasn’t cold and said you wanna hang out some time and I said okay and he kissed me lightly on the lips and said cool. Then I spotted you on the other side of the French doors frowning and I asked you what was wrong and you said don’t talk to me slut. I cried in the bathroom and told the faucets I wasn’t a slut. Leon’s brother knocked on the door. Do you think I’m a slut, I asked him, and he said no, definitely not a slut. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Good, I said, reapplying my lipstick, and let Leon’s brother walk me out of the bathroom.
