It’s never a good thing when a Marine comes to your door with a folded American flag when your brother is a Marine. My heart almost fell out of my chest when I answered that door. It felt like I just got shot, stabbed anything that caused pain. I knew what it meant from the moment I opened my door to see him.
“May I help you, sir?” My brother always said to call any person in a uniform sir. I always listened to him and whenever I said that they always cracked a smile. This guy didn’t he stood there tall and proud. His expression stayed in a frown and not even a glint of happiness crossed his eyes. I gulped because I knew it had to be bad.
“Is your mother home, young lady?” he asked. I nodded knowing what this meant. I called for my mom who was in the kitchen. I heard her drop a plate and laugh. Her warm laugh would be gone when she hears this. My mom walked into the doorway and her smile faded when she saw him. I looked at her with my chest heaving, trying to stop crying before I even know the news. She dropped her rag with what she was washing her hands. She ran to the door and pushed me out of the way. I stood back and listened. I heard the word I knew was coming, my brother was MIA, presumed dead. My mom with a trembling hand took the flag and she started to cry. I sat on the floor and felt tears, hot ones fall to the hard wooden floor. This can’t be happening, this can’t be real. My brother was supposed to come back; he was supposed to go to college with his scholarship. That’s the whole reason why he joined was for that stupid scholarship, now he’s dead! He’s dead, he’s gone. My mom stood in the door frame and was crying. The flag was scrunched up in her hands and I saw my dad come in. My brother, my best friend was dead and gone. I have to wake up this is a dream. It’s not real.
Thunder roared and I jolted upright in my bed. I saw the black, dark sky and smiled. It was a dream. He’s still alive and not dead. I laid back down and started to laugh. I worry way too much, even in my dreams. Mike, my not dead brother, always said that and I always argued. I need to learn yoga or something like that. My door slammed open and my mom raced in.
“My baby, my baby; it’s okay; its okay” my mom cried. Tears stained her face and went into my hair. Dang, maybe it wasn’t a dream. My joy of feeling like it was a dream ended right then and there.
My voice cracked,“Mom it’s real? He’s really dead?” I asked fighting back tears. She held me closer and tighter and she was sobbing. I started to sob and sob. Tears poured out like a waterfall that was unstoppable. I wonder if the tears would ever stop. He was my best friend before he was my brother. We told each other everything and he was like my fourteen year twin, if he was a girl. Now my twin has died and it was over. I always thought Mike and I were having a never ending sleepover, like best friends. We were best friends. No, it wasn’t fair! He didn’t deserve to die and he wasn’t supposed to. He was supposed to grow old with a family he would complain about to me.
“No, it’s not fair,” I whispered shaking my head, denying everything. I pushed my mom away and ran off. I pushed past my crying dad in the hall and stormed through the front door. The rain fell on me and it felt like it was his tears. He was crying for dying and leaving me alone. I started wheezing and coughing in the rain. I ran down the soaked street through ankle deep puddles to Mike’s favorite spot.
Oh how Mike loved to sit by the pond and watch the ducks. Oh now there were no ducks and no Mike. I sat on the wet grass and I could feel the wetness soaking my pants. I cried and cried. I just couldn’t stop. Have you ever had that feeling when you want to stop but can’t? That’s how I feel, I want to be strong, but I can’t. Mike always made me strong and now my hearts stone wall just was knocked down. Why did MIKE, MY MIKE, have to die? It’s not fair; he had a dream and plan. He needed to fulfill them. Snot started to slide down my face and my head started to hurt. Boy you would think I just got dumped by the love of my life. It’s worse, I lost, my soul brother. It was like he and I were twins, but he was like six years older than me. I feel the rain start to let up, but my heart just won’t let my tears cease. It’s ready to break and fall right on out of my chest. The pain is so real, it’s scary. I sighed and remembered him, who’s going to tell everyone else? I can’t;I’ll just break down again.
“Molly, Mol, are you there?” I heard my sweet, sweet little sister. I turned my head and there she was in her pink polka dot raincoat. I got up and ran to hug her. She hugged me and whispered “Is Mikey Mike really gone? Mommy said he was, but I know you’ll know”. It broke my heart to have to break hers. I knew she would be crushed and maybe worse than me. She is only eight and still young. My heart can barley take this grief, how can hers?
Mom let me stay home from school on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. On Thursday she made me go into the living rumor-hole. Who knows what they’re saying about me? They start mean stuff about people. I knew I was a target this week. I know I’m not ready to face them and fight them.
I remember Mike our last day together before he left. He took me to an amusement park. It was like the best day ever. His eyes never looked at all those beach blonds flirting with him. He said that day was him and me, brother and sister. I loved him so much more that day. We went on every roller coaster. He loves them, but I never did until that day. He dared me to go on and I didn’t want to say no. I braved every fast turn and downhill drop. His smile made me smile even though I didn’t really want to. I had a feeling that something bad could happen not today, not tomorrow, but some day in the future and guess what my feeling came true. I shouldn’t have been so happy that day.
At school it felt like everyone was staring at me like I was a purple, striped alien. I walked down the halls hearing every whisper about me. These people are horrible, if only they knew the truth. Then they would feel sorry for me and would stop talking behind my back. Then I could be popular because Mike always was in high school. No one believed he was my brother, but he is and now he’s dead. My brother is gone. That just can’t be real. I walked down the halls with every whisper stinging like a thousand wasps just stung me. My heart was beating and I was ready to break down crying. I just want Mike back and people to mind their own business. They should stop poking there head in my life, they don’t even know anything. They all just assume lies that are never true!
Lunch is like a snake pit and I’m going in head first. I took a deep breath and stepped a foot inside the lunchroom. The noise felt like everyone was screaming in my ear. I started to hurry in a fast pace to a table far in the back. It was behind a pole, so no one could see me. I whipped past people and through whisper as I passed. I kept my head low seeing feet, feet and more feet. A lot of people wear Converse, I just noticed that. I cruised right on through the blob of people. For now I’m good and no one has bothered me. I was free until the queen bee steps in my way. I slam right into her and landed right on my butt. I heard a few snickers and I shot right on up. I crossed my arms and tried to get past. She had her robots lined up as a wall.
“What do you want, Kiki?” I asked with hatred in my voice. She smiled and shook her head like I was a pitiful homeless dog. Kiki is the meanest, worst person ever! She hates me just because Mike turned her down. She insults me and him all the time. Usual I just ignore her, but today I don’t want any of her comments. She can be such a witch, no she is a witch.
“What’s wrong, Mol? Little Mike hasn’t written home? Is he dead? Oh what miracle that would be. I’m positive everyone would love that” Kiki laughed with her crew. I hate her! My hands clenched closed and my veins started to throb. I hate her! Tears started to come to my eyes, but I wiped them away. I can’t show weakness.
“Poor Mol is crying. Can’t you take a joke?” Kiki laughed and I snapped. I don’t have a temper, but Kiki can provoke people. I’ve seen plenty of fights involving her and her insults. I dropped my lunch tray and rammed right into her. I pushed her onto the floor and started pulling her hair. She screamed and I kicked her in the legs. I yanked a chunk of hair out of her horrible head. She screamed a bloodcurdling scream and a bunch of kids were hovering over us. I didn’t care, I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to pay for what she said. I heard a whistle and then everything turned into slow motion. I saw a teacher approaching me with a whistle in his mouth and hands outstretched. I felt his grip on my shoulder and the teacher came. He pulled me off Kiki. Kiki had a nurse and like ten teachers making sure she was okay. I was pulled away from her and the scene with my arms swinging. I tried to fight off the teacher who was pulling me away. I wanted to destroy Kiki and hurt her. The teacher dropped me on the floor like a rag doll. I hit it hard with my knees breaking my landing and my knees started to hurt like crazy. I lost control and cried. I let my tears fall into a puddle that started to form. I was so upset; it was horrible. She shouldn’t have said anything, then none of this would have happened. The teacher gripped my shoulder and led me into the principal’s office just as the bell rang. I hid my head from even more embarrassment.
“Molly Sanders what in the world happened in there? You know fighting is strictly prohibited. I never thought you would be the one to start this,” Mrs. Kay said looking down at me. I stared at the floor not wanting to talk. I couldn’t, because if I did I would cry some more. I was already in trouble and I knew it. “Molly, tell me what happened,” Mrs. Kay demanded.
“It wasn’t my fault.” My own voiced scared me. It was crackly and teary. You could know just by hearing me something was wrong. “Kiki said mean things about my brother. She said if he died it would be a good thing. But you never insult someone who really is dead. Mike’s dead and she was calling him things and I couldn’t take it. She provoked me and I couldn’t take it. He’s gone and…” I couldn’t finish. I was lost on words. My secret spilled out and everyone will know by tomorrow. I started to cry and cry. Mrs. Kay patted my back and tried to sooth me. It wouldn’t work, nothing can work. Nothing can bring Mike back, nothing. He was gone and how can anyone help? No one can!
My mom came in to pick me up. Mrs. Kay excused me for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I was glad to go home and not have to worry about the people at school. Everything was falling apart. The ledge I usually stood on is wearing just like me. Every day a chunk breaks off and I’m really close to falling. I’m scared to even stand on it now because whenever I do I think about Mike. Mike, I miss you and want you back. Why was it his life that was taken? He was so bright and had a bright future, but now it was all wiped away. My brother is gone and I can’t change that. The power is out of my hands, but I need him. Why can’t he be here and not dead? Stupid war and stupid president who got us into this mess.
I couldn’t leave my bed all day Thursday. My whole body was aching and hurting. I just wanted to stay in my warm, safe bed. I really don’t want to live anymore without him. Before I had hope he would come back, but now all hope is gone. That single drop has disappeared and never coming back, just like Mike. Mike, I love you and need you to come home. I just can’t stand knowing he’s dead and never coming home. I lay and look at his most recent picture he sent. I got it three months ago. I always keep a photo of him on my nightstand. He looked like my Mike, brown shaggy hair covering his chocolate eyes. His muscles were bulging through his shirt. He had his army dog, Rocky Balboa, on his lap eating a bone. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. He didn’t deserve to die, he was supposed to live. He was supposed to come back to me and then we’d be happy. Now everyone is sad and mad at the world. I know I am and just want to die. I want to be with Mike. I need Mike.
“Molly can I talk to you?” My mom opened my door and I sat up. She looked older, her hair is in a messy granny bun. Her nightgown has faded its color and looked shabby and old. Her wrinkles were showing and she was getting gray in the hair.
“Sure, mom. What is it?” I asked wanting to get back to my sobbing. I really don’t want to talk to my mom. She was just as upset as me. She wouldn’t be that much help. No one in this house would be much help, no one would be helpful.
“Mrs. Kay called and we talked. A death or a MIA can be harmful to a girl your age she said. She knew a girl who lost her brother to war and within that month she killed herself. Mrs. Kay suggested you and everyone goes sees a therapist to deal with Mike. I agreed and the appointment is tomorrow,” My mom said. My mouth dropped. I didn’t need a therapist or anything like that. How can they help me? They wouldn’t even know me! They don’t know how I feel and like they even care. They just want to make money by “helping” people. They just ask us how we feel. He should know! Why else would we be there? Yes, we want to talk about cupcakes, they’re idiots. I really don’t want to go. Like they’ll even help.
“Mom, I don’t want to go! What can a rich, stupid dude in a suit do? They don’t know me! They can’t help me! I don’t even need help!” I yelled looking my mom right in the eyes. She backed away from me, I think I scared her. Good. I fell back into my cushy pillows and stared my mom down. She always was a push-over and a softie. That’s why I loved her; I can get whatever I want. Then her eyes scrunched up and her face looked scary. I backed up into my bed and tried to pull my covers up.
“Molly Holly Sanders, you will go and that’s an order!” My mom yelled and slammed my door. It shook my room like a 9.2 earthquake. I lay in my bed thinking “What happened to my mom”? She never ever yelled. Maybe Mike’s death wasn’t only affecting me. I felt special that they’d cared for once in my life. Guess I’m not.
The light it burns! Staying inside is a bit much I guess. I actually think I got more pale! I pulled my hood on Mike’s red hoodie down to cover my face. I walked like a zombie to the car, to the therapist. I ran to the car and buried my head into Mike’s hoodie. I sat there with the light pouring in. I just kept my head low and out of sight. I don’t need people seeing me and whispering about how bad I look. I haven’t taken a shower in like forever and I smell. I forgot my perfume and deodorant. I didn’t even want to come to this, so why do I have to look acceptable? I know he can’t help me. How could an idiot professor who only ask “How do you feel” help me? I don’t need any help and I don’t want any. I’m fine by myself. The door slammed open and then the sunlight hit my face. I covered it yelling “I’m melting, Close it Close it!” My mom hopped in and shut the door. She yanked my hood right off my head, revealing my messy, uncombed hair. I blew a strand out of my face. She looked at me in horror, like I was a monster. Heck, if you didn’t know me you’d probably think that. I do look like a monster, my mom didn’t appreciate that. She just looked at me and rummaged through her bag. I sighed and leaned back into the seat. She’ll wipe out a bottle of the worst smelling perfume and make me smell worse.
“Here, Molly let me spray you.” she held up a tiny, expensive curvy blue bottle. I raised my eyebrows and sighed. She pressed down and the smell by Brittany Spears filled my nose. I started to cough and my mom stopped.
“At least you smell better” She mumbled starting the car. Yeah, I just want to smell like a star, who is probably fake when my brother is dead. That makes perfect sense! Smelling is always more important than the death of a loved one. My mom is… I can’t even explain her.
The office smelled like hand sanitizer and bleach. It looked so pale and pastel. The walls were like the lightest blue ever and the fish looked like they were bleached white. All over the walls were his degrees, which he probably bribed someone to get for him. The front desk person was all smiles answering the phone like a robot. I can hear her robot voice saying over and over “Hello, please wait”. It’s so annoying. My mom was reading a People magazine. I see a few other people looking at US Weekly or Time. This place just oozes fakeness. How can people stand waiting in here for hours? I’m just starting to get anxious after thirty minutes. Then the clocked tick and the door opened. A chubby, mullet wearing man steps out holding an old dudes hand. I heard him whisper “Just remember her in your heart.” He was crying. What a sucker! He believes this? The guy left and the “therapist” looked at his clipboard. He looked straight at me and I heard my name. My mom pulled my arm and I stood up and she dragged me to him. He had freckles and a huge zit on his nose. He looks like a nerd from college who can’t get a girl. He smiled and opened the door. His office was dark and mysterious. His walls were a deep cherry red and his desk had random things on it. I walked over to it and started fumbling with things. The snow globe from Rome still had snow falling. I picked it up and shook it really hard. The snow whirled around the globe like a blizzard. That’s how I feel, like a never ending blizzard. Only the one in the snow globe will end soon.
“I got that from a patient who wanted to go to Rome so, so much. Her husband died on a plane and she was too scared to go on with her life. She sent me this as a thank you. I keep all my gifts, no matter the size.” He said standing in the doorway. The door was closed and the room was darker and creepier. I set the globe down and stood there watching him. He motioned for me to sit in his little bed/chair thing. I walked over and plopped myself right on down, but sitting up. He sat in the comfy chair across from me. I looked at him and he looked at me. I knew what line was coming, it’s in all the movies and books.
“So, Molly, How do you feel?” he leaned forward and asked. I rolled my eyes knowing that stupid line was coming.
“There is that dumb line again. Is that all you people ask and expect us to spill our life story or break down crying? Well I’m not. How can a stranger I don’t even know help me? You don’t know me or my brother. You don’t how I feel. No one can help me and I don’t need help. Especially from a stranger who fakes all this stuff and his lines. You probably take them from a book and plagiarize them as your own. Well, I’m not falling for it, I have a mind of my own.” Every word came out so smoothly like a memorized speech. I guess I was preparing what I was going to say to this faker. I want him to know he doesn’t help anyone, just give them a bunch of lies. I’m still kind of shocked the people buy it. They just want to believe in anything that’ll make them feel better.
“Well, someone is a little apprehensive. Then why did you come if you don’t want my help?” He raised his eyebrow and I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t falling for it.
“Do you honestly think I came voluntarily? How stupid can you be? Of course I was dragged here against my will. My mom and principal think it’s good to say how I feel. But what if I don’t? How could some person I’ve never met help me? I mean maybe I do want to talk, but I have no one. Mike was always the person I talked to and he always made me feel better. I loved him and now he’s gone,” I was almost screaming. I’m sure people could hear me through the walls. I laid down and rested. I sighed thinking of Mike. Mike always could talk and then you always feel better. He’s like a magician who can make everything disappear. I start to cry, again. I just want him back and I know he’s not coming back.
“Molly, Mike was your best friend and I understand why you’re crying. But would Mike really want you like this? Would your best friend want you moping around like a zombie, NOT living life to its fullest” I looked at the therapist and knew he was right. Mike was all about living life and never backing down. He wouldn’t want me like this, but how can I come back? He was my best friend; it’s not easy to lose someone that important to you. I loved to see anyone try. I felt my tears pouring down my face. It’s like a waterfall with an unlimited supply of water. There just coming and coming and not stopping.
“But, how can I just stop and move on?” I sob and I wonder if he understands me. He rests his hand on my shoulder and looks at me. I look him in the eye and he looks at me.
He grips my hand and whispers words of encouragement“I can help, your mother, your principal, everyone can help. The only thing is you have to let us in and allow us to help.” I just sit and cry. I don’t know what to do, but I need to move on. I need to move on for Mike, for my family, and for my life.
Epilogue
My life is booming and thriving. I’ve made a bunch of new friends and if I do say so myself I am a hit. I should have broken out of my shell before. I’m getting straight A’s and am the captain of the girl’s soccer team. It’s been a year since the Marine came to our door. Mike hasn’t come home, but everyone has moved on. My little sister really doesn’t understand what happened. She’s just gotten used to life without Mike, everyone is. The therapist is helping me through everything. I sent him a picture of my life. The picture is like a little art project. It has so many different pictures; it’s so pretty. It just shows who I am now. Maybe my gift will help a girl like me. I’ve learned that a death doesn’t mean you have to die with that person. You can live and honor him or her. That’s what I’m trying to do,but it’s not easy. But you can do it and when you do it feels great.
Homework is a pain in the butt. I’m sitting on the living room floor trying to figure a question in math. I’m biting on my eraser and waiting for the doorbell. One of my friends is supposed to come over. Then I hear the ding-dong. I leap up and race to the door wanting to see my friend. I open the door and my mouth drops. I feel my tears forming, ready to cry. I haven’t cried since a few months ago. I look the person up and down. He looks the same, a green army uniform, with messy brown hair. It was my best friend back from the dead. It was Mike.
