"I Feel, Therefore It Is: How to Listen to Our Inner Feminist"

Aarti Monteiro

Isn't it our responsibility to speak out when someone says something sexist?

Sometimes, underlying sexist statements and actions come up, and we don't verbally react because we are afraid. Feminism can seem far removed from our lives if we look at it only as a political movement. It's important to apply the principles of feminism to our everyday interactions.

Feminism is about being responsible for our feelings and standing up for our sense of what is right. Everybody is different. For me, feminism is being able to be who I am without feeling as though I need to do what other people say. It isn't enough for me to secretly believe in women's equality and in feminism, I have to be confident in my beliefs to speak out when I am upset about something.

Although it can be difficult, it is our responsibility to express our feelings. Otherwise, others will not know to think twice about their sexist comments. And as we all know, sexism pervades our interactions - in small jokes, in underlying pressure of how girls and women should be, in double standards and judgments that are hard to avoid.

A teacher once told me that one of the most important things feminism taught her was: "I feel, therefore it is." Trust that your feelings are legitimate, that your feelings have the power to teach people.

I do not believe that we can make every person stop saying sexist things. I don't believe that everyone will listen. But I do believe we can teach many people to consider that their words and actions affect others. Don't we owe it to ourselves and to each other to listen to our sense of what's right and stand up for it?

I realize that speaking out against sexism in everyday life is hard; it is possible that people might take it the wrong way. Sometimes we are dismissed as taking things too seriously or not being able to take a joke.

Often I am uncomfortable verbalizing my feelings because I don't want my friends or family to think I am labeling them as sexist or bad. It's necessary to recognize that even if a person is not sexist, his or her actions can be.

Since standing up for our beliefs can be challenging, the GirlSpeak editors offer a few examples of when they spoke out against sexism.

With Family: "Even if it's hard to find the right words, try."

I went on a college visit with my family a few years ago. We visited a particular school that has a 9 p.m. curfew for female students and no curfew for male students. Their reasoning was that there would be less sexual assault with a curfew for women. I was angered by it and told my family that a female curfew was not the way to eliminate sexual assault. I had trouble articulating myself, but I let everyone know what I thought. Even if it is hard to find the right words to express yourself, you should try to explain why you find something sexist and why it upsets you without backing down from your opinions.

With Friends: "Remain calm so they actually listen to you."

My friends and I were discussing the lyrics of a song. I found the message of the song offensive and degrading to women, and I was explaining my reasoning. After a little while, my friends said that they didn't want to talk about it anymore. I disregarded the request because I think it is important for them to understand. I cannot give up on my beliefs and back down, and I believe they should be accountable for what they think. Looking back, I probably should have asked them why they did not want to talk about it. I think it is also important to remain calm and not call anyone names so that nobody gets defensive and they actually listen to you.

A few days ago, I was looking at my friend's Facebook profile. There's a photograph of her in a bikini from the neck down. I am going to talk to her about it because I do not think it's a good idea. I won't get upset or snap at her; instead, I am going to ask why she wants the profile photograph to be on the Internet. When pictures like hers are on sites like Facebook or MySpace, they are no longer personal and can be unsafe for the girls in the photographs.

With a partner: "Consider the choices we make"

My partner wanted to go to a movie that I found offensive. I told him that I did not want to support that particular movie because it encourages violence against women. Later, he mentioned having watched it and liked it. I was upset because he disregarded my feelings on the matter. At first, I thought that I shouldn't overreact, but I knew that I could not let it go. I told him that if we want to stop gender violence, then we need to consider the consumer choices we make. We need to model the behavior we want realized in the world. In the end, he listened to what I had to say, and a week or so later, we were able to have a much calmer conversation about it.

At a party: "I listened to what I felt and left"

I went to a party and felt extremely uneasy with the way everyone was dancing and touching each other. At first I questioned my own boundaries because I felt as though I needed to live up to the expectations of the party. It was like the loud music and alcohol diluted my sense of who I am. It is so easy to go along with the crowd; it happens all the time. But I could feel something inside telling me that this was not right for me even if it was okay for other people. I listened to what I felt, and I told my friends that I wanted to leave. I found something else to do that felt more comfortable.

With a teacher: "Others might feel the same way; they just need someone to be the first to speak up."

One of my professors used a lot of masculine metaphors in class that I could not relate to such as linking football and philosophy. After class one day, I approached him and talked about my concerns. I said that I wanted to learn and do well in the class but his examples were an obstacle. I did not accuse him of anything; instead I respectfully told him how I felt. It was a lot better after that. I understood more material because my professor expanded his examples.

My professor once made an overtly racist comment in class. All the students were upset about it and we told him how we felt. The professor listened to our concerns and apologized for what he had said. If a teacher says something blatantly offensive, don't be afraid to confront him or her. Everyone in class might feel the same way; they just need someone to be the first to speak up.

Some closing advice:

Although it may feel as though others aren't listening or they are so stubborn it does not seem like what you say makes a difference, many times, the more consistently you voice your opinion, the more you will cause other people to think about and make changes in their words and lifestyles. When you compromise your own values in social interactions, you allow others to do the same.

Tips When Speaking Out

• Stay calm. Try not to become angry or upset.
• If there isn't time to talk at a particular moment, invite the person to have a thoughtful discussion later.
• Give reason for your opinions. Educate people without being condescending.
• Avoid calling the other person bad names. It will make them defensive and they won't listen to you.
• Use I-phrases. For example, "I feel as though...", "I choose to..." Do not blame them: "You said...", "You think..."
• If you have trouble articulating your thoughts, give the person literature on the topic.
• Do not dismiss yourself or your opinions.