Three Children Nearly Killed by Quackle Tree at Convention

By: Derek Lyon

Phoenix, AZ – Three young children narrowly escaped certain death at the hands, or, well, branches of a Quackle tree on Tuesday.

The incident occurred around 4 p.m. on Tuesday at the 5th annual Children and Chiropractors Convention. According to Convention officials, the Convention is held each year in order to foster long-lasting friendships between children and chiropractors, in order to instill in children at a young age the benefits of bone health and proper alignment. But organizers made a grave mistake when they chose Phoenix’s luxurious Quackle Hotel and Resort as the venue for this year’s event. The hotel is designed in line with its name. Quackle trees line the front entrance, and occupy many of the interior rooms and halls.

Around 4 p.m., while the event was in full swing, three young children entered the main hall of the hotel, which is occupied by the oldest and largest Quackle tree in the hotel. One of the children, Cranker Larkens, was carrying a box of the complementary doughnuts provided by the Convention organizers, chomping away happily as any young child might.

This entire incident may have been avoided had the Quackle hotel administration been more alert, for it is well known that doughnuts are the mortal enemy of Quackle trees. It is also well known that Quackle trees are not to be provoked. Johnny Flowers, author of the 2003 seminal work on Quackle Trees “I Love Trees,” describes the many frightening elements of the trees: “The Quackle tree, an indigenous species from Venezuela, has the power to kill up to thirteen people per hour… [it] uses its venomous sap as protection and intimidation.” The tree’s sap is unique in that it bears a strong resemblance, in odor and sight, to fruit juice. But the resemblance ends there—Quackle tree sap is well known to be both flammable and toxic.

As Cranker and his friends entered the room, the Quackle tree apparently sensed the approach of its most feared enemy and immediately spewed its juice-like sap all around the room. While his two friends managed to escape, Cranker was not so lucky, and was ensnared by the Quackle tree’s branches. The situation was dire, as the noxious sap prevented help from entering. One woman standing just outside the hall, wishing to remain unidentified, cast some light on the events: “I heard a loud band followed by three pops, and then the children came running out the door. Also, the air smelled like doughnuts.” Mrs. Jenny Larkens, a Phoenix resident and mother of Cranker, described the horror she experienced: “I was terrified for my son Cranker – he was trapped inside of there with the flammable juice!”

Luckily, young Cranker kept his wits about him. Perhaps noticing that the doughnuts had provoked the tree, he quickly flung the box at the tree, which immediately released him as doughnuts rained upon it. Cranker quickly fled the room, sustaining only minor exposure to the deadly sap.

The incident has been met with mixed feelings. One attendant of the convention, a man wishing remain nameless, said, “I was honestly terrified… it was such a loud noise and such an intense smell. I’ve never seen something so scary yet fruity. I definitely won’t be bringing my kids or my chiropractor back here any time soon!”

But as Flowers mentions in “I Love Trees,” “The Quackle has long been misunderstood; it is a tree to be respected, not hated.” While this incident was undoubtedly terrifying, perhaps it is possible that it was only the unfortunate result of a misunderstanding between people and Quackle trees.

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